Cosmic Mario's A Douche
by C. Mechayoshi
Summary: No one likes this guy, including Mario and friends. Probably because he's a dangerous psychopath, but who knows? (Short stories)
1. Chapter 1

**Cosmic Mario's A Douche**

 **By: C. Mechayoshi**

 **Created: 5/27/17**

 **Disclaimer: Mario and co belong to Nintendo.**

 **Summary: No one likes this guy, including Mario and friends. Probably because he's a dangerous psychopath, but who knows?**

 **Content warning: Mild references.**

* * *

Under a sunny blue sky, Mario and friends were enjoying a wonderful picnic. In the grassy field lay a large red Mario emblem blanket, and seated on it was Mario, Peach, and Luigi. Little did they know, someone was watching from the nearby bushes.

"This is such a beautiful day! Teehee!" Peach giggled, leaning close to Mario. Mario looked her way warmly then opened the picnic basket. Inside was bread for sandwiches, ham, pasta, mushrooms, pizza, candy, Peach's cake, Shroom shakes, FungusUp, napkins, more mushrooms, a monkey wrench, a Fidget spinner, a Nintendo DS, a thousand coins, and finally, some mustard.

"Ooh, I think I'm feeling adventurous. I'm going to invent a new kind of sandwich!" Peach said excitingly after peering into the basket. She grabbed the bread as the Mario brothers looked on, wondering what she'd might pick. She pulled out the fidget spinner, Nintendo DS, and ham. "Won't this make the most delicious sandwich?"

"Wait, Princess!" Mario called out. "Uh, well..."

Crunch! Peach's beautiful and expensively taken care of teeth had no issues biting through the hard ingredients.

"I'm gonna miss my fidget spinner..." Luigi sighed.

Mario had a laugh. "Guess we shouldn't have packed all of this other stuff in the basket with the food-"

Pow! The basket exploded as if someone had shot a Bullet Bill at it and it caught on fire. Peach dropped her sandwich in shock as the Mario brothers jumped up.

"Enemy attack!" Mario shouted.

Luigi ran up to Peach and held her tight. "Princess secured!"

Mario shot him a look. "Hey, hands off, okay?" Luigi let go defeatedly. Just then another shot went off, narrowly missing Mario.

"Darn it! Why did I bring a two barrel canon?!" the bushes screamed, with a few extra profanities thrown in.

"It's coming from that bush, bro!" Luigi pointed out.

"Oh dear! I hate when talking bushes attack!" Peach shrieked.

"Paperize!" Mario yelled. The world froze in place and then went flat. Kirsti came out of nowhere and lifted Mario above the flattened world. Immediately the bushes lifted up slightly, indicating that they could be removed. Mario did so and the bush paper item appeared in his inventory. He exited the paperize world and waved goodbye to Kirsti, who rolled her eyes before returning to the Sticker Star galaxy.

Behind the bush was Cosmic Mario! Everyone gawked at the starry blue galactic impostor. Cosmic Mario threw the cannon down in a rage.

"So you found me," he spat in a gravely voice, "Race me then, you son of-"

"Nah," Mario said offhandedly. "Were trying to have a picnic, you know?"

A 'You lose!' Message popped up because Mario refused the race, so he immediately killed over.

"Mario!" Peach called out.

"Oh that's supposed to happen," Luigi said, "but it's okay because- Super Luigi to the rescue!-"

Bam! Cosmic Mario effortlessly tackled him to the ground and walloped him. After five seconds, Luigi was out, cold.

"Ha ha! You lose, loser!" Cosmic Mario mocked. "I beat the Mario brothers!" Cosmic Mario stood up victoriously.

"Please! Don't hurt me!" Peach plead, backing away.

Cosmic Mario looked at her. "What ever, babe. I'm not into women like that," he scoffed.

Peach froze. "Wait, so you're-"

"-Into revenge. Yes, uh huh!" Cosmic Mario nodded. "Nice sandwich you made, by the way. I'll have to try it sometime. Well, I'll see you around. Bwa ha ha-" Cosmic Mario's evil laugh was cut off by a coughing fit. "...Sorry, those bushes started up my allergies. Ha!"

He ran off, leaving Peach and the unconscious Mario brothers alone.

After a while, the Mario brothers woke up, confused.

"Momma Mia! What was that about? What a jerk! And where's the food?" Mario asked, looking at the charred remains of what was their picnic basket.

Peach burped. "Oh teehee! I got...hungry?"

Luigi got up, holding his aching head, and sighed, "I'm still gonna miss that fidget spinner..."

 **To be continued.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Cosmic Mario's A Douche**

 **Chapter 2**

 **Finished: 5/31/17**

 **Disclaimer: Mario don't belong to me.**

 **Author note: This just in, if you want Cosmic Mario to be a jerk to a character in particular, pm me.**

* * *

Wario and Waluigi sat in a dark tinted black sports car parked in front of the Mushroom Regional Bank. They both wore black clothes and masks to hide their identity.

Waluigi stared at the weathered piece of paper with shaky hands. "So, uh, I just give them this note and run?"

Wario whacked Waluigi. "You idiot! Take the money before you run!"

Waluigi gave Wario a nasty look while rubbing the back of his head. "Okay, wise guy, do I give them the note before or after I take the money?"

Wario sighed. "You know what? You drive the getaway car and I'll steal the cash. Okay?!"

Waluigi banged on the dashboard in anger. "Wah! I always have to do that! When will you trust me?!"

Meanwhile Cosmic Mario was walking down the sidewalk fully engrossed in his phone. He was currently trolling people on Mario's Facebook page by posting Playstation ads. As he walked up something caught his attention. Right beside him was the nicest car he'd ever seen. A sleek shiny two door Aston Mushroom parked right in front of the bank. It was even his favorite color, black! Cosmic Mario walked up close to check it out it's big fancy spinning wheels, unaware of the passengers inside.

The drivers door swung open. "I'm stealing the money, it's final!" Wario screamed as he got out. He noticed Cosmic Mario. "Hey, don't put any scratches in my new car, weirdo!"

Cosmic Mario smirked. "I'm just admiring this beauty. How much coinage it goes for?"

Wario closed the door and continued to look suspiciously. "About half a million coins. Why?"

"Wow, Wario, you're making bank!" Cosmic Mario remarked.

Wario laughed proudly. "Well of course I am….wait, how did you know who I was?"

"Because I've seen your fat butt all over town before. Say, you wasn't trying to disguise yourself or anything, right?"

"Maybe I was! So don't you say anything while I rob this-" Wario covered his mouth with his hands.

Cosmic Mario laughed wildly. "You really are a professional, aren't you!"

Wario approached him and shook his fist. "Knock it off, loser. You really wanna mess with me?"

Cosmic Mario casually crossed his arms. "No I want to help. I could use a mill or two. Let's do it."

Wario stepped back. "What do you mean?"

"Heh. Well, someone has to distract the on duty officer. You DID know he was in there, right?"

Wario looked around nervously. "Uh, sure. We knew that!"

"So what will it be? You willing to split it?" Cosmic Mario held out his hand.

Wario thought for a moment. "Ten percent."

"Forty."

"Five percent."

"You're going the wrong way, fatso!"

Wario huffed. "Thirty."

Cosmic Mario shook his hand, squeezing extra tight.

Wario held on to his hand. "Ow! You got an arm on you, pal. So now what? You distract him?"

"Yeah. But uh, give me that note."

Wario raised one eyebrow. "Oh, you mean this?" He pulled the wrinkled paper from his pockets.

"Yeah, thanks." Cosmic Mario took it, holding it with only the tips of his fingers because the paper was so dirty he didn't want to catch anything from it. "Alright, then. Sit tight until the signal. Don't move until you hear it, no matter what! Got it?"

Wario nodded, not entirely happy with Cosmic Mario taking over all of the sudden. Soon Cosmic Mario disappeared into the bank. Wario got tired of standing and got back into the car. Waluigi had already gotten into the drivers seat for the getaway, so Wario ended up plopping down in his lap.

"Oof! You have the cash already?!" Waluigi said, struggling to breathe.

"No, I'm waiting on our new accomplice."

Waluigi made mumbling noises.

"No, not that Bandit guy again. It was this blue looking guy with no face or discernible features and I'm waiting for his signal."

More mumbling noises.

"Uh, no. He didn't tell me his name...or what the signal was. Why? I don't see you making business deals around here!"

Just then Cosmic Mario rushed to the car holding several bags of money. Wario immediately opened the door.

"Quick get out! I need to fit all of this money in here!" Cosmic Mario told them.

Wario jumped out and dragged Waluigi with him. "Fine, hurry up! And what happened to that signal? None of this was our plan!?"

Cosmic Mario tossed the bags in the back seat and then jumped in, locking the door behind him. Wario banged on the window as the car cranked up.

"What's going on?" Waluigi asked, picking himself off of the ground.

"WE'RE BEING ROBBED!"

The window lowered slowly. Cosmic Mario was wearing Wario's designer sun glasses that he'd left on the dashboard.

"Here's your signal, buddy." He put his thumb to his nose in a rude gesture and sped off.

"NOOOOO!" Wario screamed as two cop cars pulled up.

"We have the suspects right here. Like the description said, he's dark, and he even has a friend!" One cop said to another.

The other cop snickered. "Yep. Has to be the right guy, but no one mentioned how FAT he was!"

"Well screw me!" Wario said in defeat. He raised his hands in surrender.

Waluigi looked to him. "As long as you don't sit on me in prison..."

 **Author note: Not everyone Cosmic Mario is douche to has to be innocent. He can screw over bad guys as well. Peace!**


End file.
